I Went To Church Again. Say What????

I went to church this Sunday morning. Say what??? Yes I did.


Had you asked me a year ago I would've told you never again, EVER would I step foot into another one of those buildings! I was so done with the hypocrisy, the fake ass crap, the better then thou, the mind control, the fear mongering, the false humility that runs rampant in so many of these places. I couldn't take it anymore, I was so done that the mere mention of God nearly made me feel sick. My thought was if I had to serve the God they claim to serve, I'd rather die and go to hell then live with that God for eternity, because living with that God seems like nothing short of hell. This may sound horrific to you but, thats the way it felt to me.

I was confused and angry. I went from Amish to Mennonite to Evangelical Christianity to Hebrew Roots all in a 10 year time. Every one of them thought they had it right and the others had it wrong. Every time I converted to a new belief I thought now I finally have the right thing only to end up being disheartened by the way things did not line up. I knew something wasn't right they all claimed to serve God and love Jesus but, something wasn't adding up. It was not until we were involved with the Hebrew Roots movement that our eyes began to open. We began to see the huge lack of love within these groups. Within the group were groups who thought the other groups had it wrong just like within Christianity. There are so many groups within Christianity, always in disagreement about the book they read, thinking others don't understand it right because they don't see it the way they do. Everyone is trying to figure out what is right according to the book, worshiping the book like it is their God. I got so angry, I got angry because my head was spinning with all the ideas and beliefs that everyone was trying to tell me are right and true. I was angry because it didn't make sense to me, and I thought there was something wrong with me for not understanding it. I was angry because I was about to lose more people who I had spend time getting to know and love. Why was I losing them? I was loosing them because just like in the past I was about to move on, I was about to move on from the religious dogma and I knew what was going to happen. I was so tired of losing the people whom I thought I had gotten close with. They turned away from me. They call me all kinds of things because in their eyes I am now an evil person who has been deceived by satan. I did it anyway because I knew I had to. Deep within my heart I knew there was something more.

I didn't have much left to lose so why not go all the way. Why not? I needed to know whats on the other side. I walked straight into my greatest fear of all. I began to question the very thing I was told to never dare question. I questioned God. I was questioning the very God that, based on what I was told, has the ability to destroy me with fire and take my very Soul. I felt my heart skip a beat and I felt sick for a while because my mind was having a heart attack. LOL! When I walked towards the thing I feared the most, interestingly my heart began to feel again, my heart began waking up. It had been dead for so long. It had been dead to feeling anything because long ago I had decided feeling was to painful so my mind took over and I had begun to operate out of my mind instead of my heart. I had begun to play it safe. I had begun to people please and do everything through the power of Jesus to be a good girl. I was depressed for a few days because my identity of who I thought I was, is falling away now and I feel extremely vulnerable, a bit scared and even wondered if the God I am questioning is going to drop me dead because of what I am doing. Then the fear begins to give way to light, I begin to feel love again. I begin to look at myself with less judgement, I begin to be less harsh with myself, I begin to actually like myself a little. I put the book (bible) away, I begin to go into nature, I begin to get curious about life. I begin to see things that I had never seen before. The limitations were gone. It didn't matter to me what people think anymore, I knew most of those people aren't even aware of why they believe the way they do. Sadly they are still stuck in the fear, but, now I am free. It's one of the most liberating decisions I've ever made. I began to understand what had happened to me a couple years earlier when I was seeing things and then it got very cloudy because of things that happened in my life and I let go of love and chose fear instead. I began to understand why I went through the darkness. The anger I was feeling began to turn to grief and then compassion and love. I began to understand that everyone is simply doing the best they know how.

The thing that holds us back is fear. Fear is mentioned so many time in that book we read and we are told by Jesus not to fear but, yet we do. We are told and shown by Jesus how to love but, yet that is the number one thing the churches miss out on. We are so busy trying to figure out how God wants us to serve him, because we don't want to make him angry and end up in hell, that we completely miss out on love. We don't realize we are already in hell when we believe this way. Hell is not a place we go to, it is something we are in when we live in fear of going there. This place (Earth) can be heaven or hell, our fear and our lack of compassion is making this place feel like hell. 

My journey since then has been an interesting one. I don't claim to know anything or everything, I just know what I know because of my experience. I am curious about life and I am tuning into my heart. My heart is my guide and my mind is my servant, it took me about a year to figure out how to know with 100% certainty what my heart is telling me. My mind has become my servant and I so love my mind, but, my heart rules now. It's an amazing way to live and I am just beginning. 

So why did I go to church again? Because I am curious. This church is different from any other I've ever been to. This church advocates for love, this church advocates for oneness, for equality and for peace. It was very interesting to sit in a congregation where they spoke about the law of attraction and how to listen to your heart and how to connect with your Soul and how Christ consciousness is in everyone. Hmm, this sound like the same things I've been learning in the past year. So I'll keep going and see where this takes me. I'll keep following my heart and trusting that all I need will be given to me at just the right time. 




So You Want To Know Why I Left The Amish???

So you want to know why I left the Amish? 

Are you sure? 

I left because I no longer belonged there. I left because they no longer wanted me there. I left because I no longer wanted to be there. I left because I am so much more then the Amish woman they wanted me to be. 'Quiet, obedient and giving birth every year.' I left because I was destined to leave from the beginning. I left because I am an 'infinite' being, just like the rest of you. I left because I was sick of being told what I can and can't do. I left because the whole idea of being Amish no longer made sense to me an I had to know more. I left because quite frankly I was tired of all the shit that goes on behind the scenes. The mind control, the fear, the nonsense.  It's a fucking messed up, fucked up system! It doesn't work, the Amish belief system is outdated and makes people turn into robots. It makes people go crazy in their minds. It makes people disown their own children, for Gods sake! Who does that? We don't know how the heck to feel our feelings, we don't know how to think for ourselves and we don't know what to do when we come face to face with the things we fear the most. We are told what to do, when to do it and that there is no other way, and any other way will lead you straight to hell and you will burn forever in that hellish place that, that loving God created for all of us who don't obey the rules of the church. Really, what loving God would throw his own creation into a fire to burn forever just because they don't worship him? Are you fucking kidding me??? I left because I needed to know what love is and I wasn't finding it there. I left because I thought I had to in order to honor Jesus, 'I converted to Mennonite', 'thats another story.' I left because I thought I had to in order to find healing for all the 'so called' sins I had committed with my then boyfriend Abe. The Mennonites made sure we repented of every last sin. I left because I couldn't stand being there, most of them believed I was a slut, the stupid rumor that my brother and I had sex together. The church acted like a bunch of high school kids, they couldn't get enough of the juicy rumor. I left because the whispering and the know it all looks they gave me was too much. I left because I had nothing left to loose. I left because I wanted to fucking leave! There was nothing more left for me in this place, it began to feel like a hell hole! It was a hell hole!!! 

I am writing from a real, raw place tonight, it doesn't matter to me what they say! its time to realize what we are doing to our young people by teaching them these fear based beliefs within the Amish religion. There are many other religions that do the same but, I am speaking of the Amish religion because thats where I come from. I see so many young people who end up struggling for years because they don't know how to feel, they don't know how to think for themselves, they don't know how to listen to their inner most heart. When we leave, we don't know what the fuck we are getting ourselves into, it's hard for us to know what is true and what is not, so we look for a person 'if we are lucky to find one' who looks like they have their shit together and we do what they do. It took me years, 11 years to finally throw the garbage beliefs out and begin to listen to my own heart. I didn't trust myself for a second, why would I? According to what I was told and what I had decide to believe about myself was that aside from my salvation in Jesus, I am absolutely worthless and bound straight to hell. So I didn't want to burn forever and I desperately wanted someone to love me because I wasn't finding love anywhere and I didn't love myself and so I needed to believe that Jesus loves me, so I can at least live a half decent life. Otherwise I was done,,, toast!! Period. End of story. I don't discredit how this actually saved me for a while because the knowing that I am loved by some unseen Almighty force did so much for me in those times when I hated myself and in those times when no one else was there. I believe in the unseen Force, God, more then I every have in the past. I just don't believe the typical Christian dogma. I think it's flawed and screws people up more then they would dare to believe. I believe in Jesus too, I just don't believe the message we hear from the hell and brimstone, screaming, spitting, the louder you yell at Satan and the louder you scream in the Name of Jesus garbage either! Seriously who taught us that stuff? I sure as hell don't read that anywhere in Jesus' words. It's time to think about some of these things and ask ourselves what and why and when we believe stuff. Does it even make sense? It's time to listen to our hearts. Its time!

Why Do They Disown Us?

Why do Amish parents disown their children when they leave the Amish lifestyle? What makes parents tell their own flesh and blood they can never come home again, how can they say they wish they would just die, say they are going to hell if they don’t change, and they are no longer a part of the family? What kind of parent does this? To most of us it seems like they do this because they don’t love their children but, I don’t believe that’s true. I believe quite the opposite to be true. I believe they love their children more then they are ever able to express. Most of our parents have never felt what it feels like to be loved unconditionally they are simply repeating what their parents taught them. Can you imagine the pain of not being able to express what you feel? This kind of pain drives a person to do unimaginable things.  

Unable to Express.jpg


I am one of those children who left the Amish lifestyle. It took me years to understand that my parents really do love me. They are simply scared and don’t know how else to treat me because they have been taught since birth this is the way to treat someone when they leave. Their mind has been programmed to think this is the way they must treat their children when they leave, in fact they believe this is the best way. They believe by pushing away there is a chance that the child will miss them so much that they’ll come running back when they can’t stand the separation any longer. This is extremely painful for both the child and the parent but, they do it anyway because they truly believe they need to. They also believe they must separate from the ones who leave because when they leave they become poison to the rest who are still Amish. They are extremely afraid of being deceived by the one that has left. They believe the bible demands of them not to eat or associate with a fallen brother or sister. This is why they excommunicate someone who leaves the church. They believe they are protecting themselves and are simply obeying what the bible says and what the church requires. If they do not follow this rule they will more then likely receive church discipline. Most Amish people believe they are the chosen ones and they believe they must protect themselves and their religion at all costs, from the world and all the things of the world. 


How can those of us who leave help bring understanding to our Amish loved ones? Is that even possible? Its very difficult to help someone see any other point of view when they are living in fear and the mind is convinced of its rightness. I believe breaking the cycle begins with those of us who have become aware of the absolute outdatedness of these old beliefs. The age of separation is over. It is time to come together and seek to understand why we do what we do. In order for us to heal generations of patterns that no longer work, we need to become aware of how we think.


I have two children of my own now and it was not until my daughter came into the world that I began to realize the absolute terror of being responsible for another human. For the first time, when I was face to face with her absolute innocence and her dependance on me. I became aware of my inability to connect with others. This may sound crazy to some but it was difficult for me to look into her precious little face and not loose my composer or become completely undone. I wanted to but I doubted my ability to love her completely. I was at a crossroads, I can explore this thing that I am feeling or I can push it away and continue living the pattern. I chose to explore it. Why do I feel this way and how can I become more open about it so I can understand it. It has been a four year journey thus far and I am not about to stop now. I began to go deep within myself to seek understanding about why I feel this way. 


This is not difficult to understand when we learn how our mind works. Our mind is simply a tool we use to live in this world but it should never be the basis of where we make our decisions. Why? because our mind does not care what is right or wrong for us, it simply speaks what it has been programmed with. Decisions that matter to us and affect everyone around us need to be made from our heart. The most important thing we can do is to get in touch with our feelings and begin to understand them. When we do this everything changes. In some cases it takes only an instant for us to gain understanding in some cases it can take a little while. We need to learn what it is that we are feeling and how to express it. Because how can we change anything if we don’t understand it?


 As much as we’d like it to start with our parents, the change probably won’t begin with our parents. We, the ones who have endured the pain of being cast out and excommunicated are very likely going to be the ones who’ll break the cycle and create the change that we so desperately want our parents to be. To be the change takes courage but it is equally rewarding. When our heart no longer fears it is then that the walls can come down and we soon begin to realize the powerful impact we can make to everyone around us. 


My mission is to be the change and I hope to see the walls come down between most Amish parents and their children in my lifetime. I know it is only through setting our ego’s aside and seeking understanding that this will ever have a chance to happen. I know its possible.

Missing Pieces and Finding Passion

I've always known I love to write and I've always known I want to help others. But for the longest time no matter how much my heart desired this when it came down to it, it was like I was paralyzed. I couldn't move forward. It drives me crazy! It is so maddening to be in this place of not knowing how to move forward. It feels like pieces are missing but, I don't know what those pieces are. I'd try to move ahead only to come up short and feel like a failure for trying. I'd sit back after getting upset and wonder what the heck is going on. Why do I have such a huge passion and desire to write and help others but then when I try I get stuck?

I discovered something very interesting about myself.

If you know me at all you will know that I am all about authenticity and realness. (Even though I love this way of being, and think it's the only way to live a full life, it still scares the crap out of me). I spent years unraveling from beliefs and ideas that are not my own. I was born and raised Amish but I never fit into that lifestyle I always felt out of place. Now at the time when I was Amish I would've never admitted to that because when I was Amish, that's the only life I knew. I knew nothing else. Growing up I always felt like a misfit, I didn't fit in anywhere. I had my own ideas and I hated to be told how to wear my clothes or how to talk. However I learned to live that lifestyle and it became my identity. Until the day I left....

Me and Abe when we were still Amish.

Me and Abe when we were still Amish.

The day I left I needed to find a new identity, I needed something to hold on to, something to categorize myself as. 

You can tell by looking at my facial expression that I was struggling with this new identity and trying to fit in.

You can tell by looking at my facial expression that I was struggling with this new identity and trying to fit in.

I struggled to find my identity and about as soon as I thought I found it, another big shift happened in my life and I'd scramble for it yet again. This is and exhausting way to live life.

I just wanted to fit in somewhere. I wanted to be part of something more. Something better then myself, because I wasn't good enough. I believed it was out there. I did this over and over until the day my eyes were opened and I became aware of the fact that what I have been looking for all these years was within myself. Somewhere deep within myself hidden beneath all the beliefs and ideas I had adopted from others whether that be my parents, Amish Church, Teachers, you name it. When I became aware of this my passion became so clear to me. I no longer needed an identity, because when we realize everything is connected and working together and nothing is separate from anything else we no longer need labels or categories, we just find a passion. I knew what I want to do with my life, I knew it, it was so real within me. But it always seemed to be just a bit to far out of my reach. It was so close. Close enough to where I could see it and even feel it from time to time but far enough away that I wasn't able to immerse myself in it just yet. It kept me curious enough that I kept moving forward despite all the frustration that comes with feeling like I am being held back.

The interesting thing I learned is that I wasn't yet ready to go all out. I needed to give myself the time to unravel from all the beliefs I picked up over the years in order to fully understand who I was. I needed to find balance within myself. I needed to allow all those years of stuffed emotions to come to the surface and allow them to come out one by one until they are cleared out. I need to learn how to operate with compassion instead of fear and anger. There is nothing wrong with fear an anger, these are very real and necessary emotions. We need to feel them in order to move forward, just don't stay there to long. There comes a time if you want to live a fulfilled life that we need to move out of the fear an anger and learn to trust again. Trusting allows us to gain understanding and understanding brings compassion.

When we allow ourselves to get angry this simply means we are allowing ourselves to feel what is real to us. We need to feel this in order to move forward. I used to think I am a bad person for feeling angry about something so I would do everything in my power to make that feeling go away. I was successful at this for a while until I couldn't hold it in any longer and I would explode. Then I'd feel really bad and then the really bad things happened. Not a good way to release that energy! Always allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling and then get curious about what you are feeling and ask why. Try to figure out where it's coming from. In this way you can work through what you are feeling and deal with it right away. The truth is if you don't deal with it right away you will have to deal with it later. You will not get away from it. Our emotions are the result of something that has happened to us in the past or they are a result of thoughts we have come to believe. I still have days when I am having to figure out what it is that I am feeling, and where it comes from, we all do.

I need to become curious about what I am feeling in order for me to move towards understanding and healing.

Curiosity is absolutely key. We need to become curious enough to ask questions.

The worse thing we can do as humans is to close the book and say we know it all. The day you do that, you may as well roll over dead because that is the day you will stop living.

Become curious and I promise you, you will change your world forever. 

This is me, in a state of loving who I am. Go within and your outside will be forever changed. 

This is me, in a state of loving who I am. Go within and your outside will be forever changed. 

A Saturday In My World

Abe drops us off on Pearl Street before he goes to his appointment because I don't want Bella and Nathaniel to miss out on the Easter Egg hunt they've been talking about since yesterday. They have been so excited about this whole thing. They even missed their nap yesterday because of the excitement of it all. Ha! We don't do much for Easter at our house we don't have any family traditions but we enjoy being part of the festivities in the community. It turned out to be such a beautiful time for all of us.

First we stop by one of our new favorite places in Boulder 'The Unseen Bean' and get our favorite treats. I order my favorite drink a hot Mocha with a shot of Carmel. OH My Heart, so delicious! We sit and enjoy our treats as we talk about what we are going to do today. It was a nice time. 


Then we head out to explore on Pearl Street until it's time for the hunt. We ooh and ahh at all the beautiful flowers as we walk up and down the Street lined with cute shops and cozy restaurants. I feel love in this place, I feel home here, gratitude for my life fills my heart and overflows. 

We wait in line for the hunt to begin. Happiness and excitement written on there faces. My mommy heart is alive again. 

The times comes and we make our way to gather the eggs.

Happy hearts. 

Soon Abe came to join us and we relax on a bench as the kids play with there newfound treasures.


A few families come in and are wondering where all the eggs are so we convinced Bella and Nathaniel to share with the eggs they found. They willingly shared and made my mommy heart swell with pride. We met a beautiful young family who moved here about the same time we did and we are looking forward to getting to know them and having many playdates together.

We cross paths with our neighbors. So the kids play for a while. Bella is absolutely in love with her new friend. So sweet. 

We walk by a guy who was playing guitar, he is super talented. Bella immediately begins dancing along with the music. So she danced and danced, she's in absolute bliss. There is a homeless man sitting there too so Abe strikes a conversation with him. His name is Brent. I casually listen to their conversation. I can tell Brent is not comfortable talking about his life. He's in much emotional pain He does not want to live anymore. His grandmother was all he had and when she died he lost it. He does not see the beauty in life. He is just waiting on the day he can check out of this life, or that's what he says. He is mesmerized with Bella and her beauty and her love for dancing.


He cheers her on, I can tell that her love for life gives him a glimpse of the beauty life has to offer. Maybe he sees a ray of hope, maybe watching her love for life has lit a spark? Maybe it has been a long time since someone took the time to hear him? We sit with him as we watch Bella dance. Brent gives Bella a high five, she responds to him, she is drawn to him, it is so interesting to watch. He repeatedly says how blessed we are with our children. I agree with him. I too often let life distract me from this truth. He encourages us to keep living and doing what we are doing because we have something special. He says he was a professional skate boarder, snow boarder and skier, I believe him. I tell him he can still be a professional, he cannot look at me, his eyes dart around and he tries to hide the emotion that rises when I say that. He mumbles no, I am a bum, I am just a bum. I remind him that his grandmother is still with him in his heart. I encourage him to listen to his heart and he will hear her speak and feel her love.


At this time we have to go so we wish him well and go about our way. We go get something to eat. Abe and I discuss the conversation and all that had happened we decide to get a plate and take it to him. We hope he is still there. We want to ask him if he wants to meet once a week at a restaurant with us. He was not there anymore. So we give the food to a women who looked like she might be hungry.

I leave that place with a fire burning within my heart. Where will this take me? There is something that happens with me when I sit with these people, In the strangest of ways when I sit with them they feel like they are my people, I feel them, I get them, I know what its like to feel alone and think there are no options. I know theres a way out if they want it. But I know some people are happy living this way and I have learned to respect them for that. They are not a bum, they are just taking a break, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

This was such a beautiful day in our life. I have found that it is the simplest of things that give me the most joy. Seeing the contrast that life offers right before my eyes awakes within me my Soul, my Passion and the desire to live with purpose in everything that I do.  

Are You Giving Your Power Away?

Needing someone else’s love and approval is like giving away your power. 


Because when your happiness or self worth depends on the love and approval off someone other then yourself you are really giving that person the power over your happiness. You cannot control what the other person chooses to do. You can try to control them but in the end you will always loose. You can only control what is you. You also become vulnerable to the fact that they can now play with your emotions and make you do things that you don’t want to do. Remember it is not them that began this game it is you when you chose to give your power away to them when you decided you cannot live without them and you need their love and approval to be happy. This happens mostly to people who have not yet found the love within themselves for their own life.

When we become aware of our inherent value and fall in love with our life we also realize that every other person or thing has the same value as we do. We learn to respect ourselves and we don’t allow anyone to disrespect us. We don’t demand respect from anyone because we won’t have to. We just simply say what we mean and mean what we say. All the rest will fall into place. Our decisions become a simple yes or no and when we begin to live this way people will know that you know what you want and they will not try to persuade you any other way. 

When we become clear about what it is that we want and who we are the people who are not meant to be in our life will move on (let them go) and the people who are meant to be in our life will show up. All you have to do is, be you. Find out what makes you happy and do that. Find out who you are and be that. Do what makes you happy and your people will show up, when you are happy most likely you will attract to yourself happy people who appreciate you for who you are. Be patient. 

Living in a way where my happiness depends on someone else is exhausting. I wouldn’t say this without having experienced this in my own life. I spent years of my life seeking approval and love from those around me. I used to wonder why people don’t get it, I used to believe people are mean and inconsiderate and just plain selfish. I used to wonder why their are so many loveless people who don’t seem to care how I feel and it made me want to leave this godforsaken place. This world felt like a cold and heartless place to be in. I felt like I don’t belong here—until the day I found love and appreciation within myself and with everything around me. It was not until I began to feel love within my own self, for myself, that I began to realize that my perception about those around me had nothing to do with them at all, but it has everything to do with me and how I have decide to see the world based on what I have chosen to believe. When we become attached to beliefs and become unwilling to question them they can hold us hostage and keep us from understanding our highest potential. We all hold greatness within ourselves, we all have equal opportunity to become whatever it is that we wish to become and to live the life we wish to live. No one of us is a victim to life. Our journey may look different but the goal is the same--to learn what it is we need to learn so we can go on to create what it is that we desire to create. We are all creators, whether we realize it or not. We all create something. Most of us simply create unconsciously and most of the time when we do it unconsciously we tend to make a pretty big mess of things before we finally realize what is happening. 

If this is you, ask yourself- why do I believe what I believe? Ask yourself, Is this a belief that is my own or have I adopted it from someone else? This is perhaps one of the most important questions we can ask ourselves. Because when we do this honestly with ourselves it opens up our minds to really consider why and what we believe and whether the beliefs we’re holding on to are our own or someone else’s. 

This is just one way we can learn to step into our infinite power. 




On March 1st we moved into our new home in Boulder Colorado. 


Two years ago before we had moved from North Dakota to Montana, Colorado had been on the list for us too. But since we were moving to get away from people and to prepare for what we thought was the end of the world coming, we decided to go to Montana where their are less people and where we thought we had a better chance to survive should the ‘shit hit the fan’. Based on survival experts the North West is a better place to live should this happen. So since we were all caught up in this fear based-run for our lives-they are out to get us, type of thinking we made our decision to go to Montana based on what the survival experts say.

We loved and still love all that Montana has to offer, it is definitely a beautiful place and living there for two years was amazing but it was time to for us to leave. Our hearts were calling us elsewhere and we have learned to follow our hearts and go after the things that feel right to us, and not just go by what others think is right for us. 


The day we let go of fear and we no longer make decisions based on fear but instead we begin to make decisions based on where our heart is leading us and based on love and compassion a whole new world opened up to us. For the first time I realized how absolutely amazing the human mind is. Did you know that two people who live in the same exact space/environment can create a completely different experience and reality? Your reality is based solely on how you look at things or the lens you look through to look at things. You can create the exact reality that you want to experience. Have you heard of the idea that when you don’t like something and you want to change it, all you have to do is change the way you look at it and the whole thing will change? Our reality has much more to do with how we look at things and less to do with the actual circumstance.  The exact same thing can happen to many different people but every other person has created a different reality about that thing based on the way they perceived it in their minds eye. So something can be a curse to one person and the exact same thing can be a blessing to the next person. Life becomes magical when we begin to see the powerful beings that we are. Isn’t it amazing how we keep growing and learning as humans? I am so in love with life since I learned this. I used to be chained up with fear. I would make most of my decisions base on fear instead of love and compassion. I am so thankful that I decided to let go of fear and have chosen love instead. Love is the way, love is always the way. Love is much easier to live with then fear and hate. Why do you think that most spiritual teacher who’ve made such a big impact in the world spoke about this thing called love? Might it be that love is the answer to everything? I would be willing to bet that it is. 

A sunset that my husband captured in the Arizona desert. 

A sunset that my husband captured in the Arizona desert. 

Did I Break Daddy's Heart?

Yesterday my daddy called to ask about my younger brother who is having some troubles and ended up in jail about six weeks ago. My Dad never calls unless he wants information about something. In other words, he never calls just to chat, or he has never done that up to this point. So he was asking me about why my husband and I are doing what we are doing and I proceeded to share with him a bit of the journey we are on, only to be met with some dire warnings of the terrible quest I am on. He encouraged me to get to the end of my questioning quest quickly before I get completely lost beyond any point of return. I proceeded to share with him some of the questions I have, only because he had asked about it. It was to much for him, he just couldn't stand it anymore and he said he has to go now, and gave me one last warning saying you better pray hard and fast because the road you are on is bound to get you lost forever! For a second my heart felt sad because of his close mindedness and his lack of understanding in where I am actually at in life, then my heart felt sad because of how, what I had shared with him might have ruined his day and broken his heart. Then I began to realize that the way he may or may not be feeling has nothing to do with me but, rather, everything to do with him. He has chosen the beliefs that he holds, to be true not only for him but also for everyone else. And those beliefs that he has chosen to be true, is what is making him look at me as if I am completely lost. I don't think I am lost, neither do I think anyone else is lost, Everyone has their own unique journey they are walking on and everyones journey is different. When we decide that our beliefs and journey is the only right one and someone else's beliefs and journey is wrong and they are lost, is that when we loose the ability to really see things for what they are and we become dead to any new possibilities? Is that when we now separate ourselves from others, even when they are our own flesh and blood, do we let our idea's and beliefs separate us from the very people who we could be learning with, enjoying life and loving life with? How unfortunate that so many of us have decided that, that is the best way to live. I used to live that way until I decided that it didn't work for me anymore. My question was, 'where is the love', 'where is the respect for each other', and for gosh sake why is there such a lack, nor a desire to understand each other? Is close-mindedness a killer, or what?

Yesterday was one of the first times talking to my dad that it didn't completely ruin my day afterward. Why? Because now I understand that it is ok for me to have my own journey. It is not me that breaks my daddy's heart but rather it is he that is breaking his own heart because of the beliefs he has decided are the only right way. I love my mommy and daddy, and I love them enough to let them be who they are without requiring of them that they need to except me or change their ways or beliefs in order for me to love them. They are doing the best they know and I am doing the best I know, therefor I did not feel hate towards my daddy yesterday, for saying the things he said to me but, rather I feel like I understand where he is coming from. For years I struggled with this. I would either try to make them understand my point of view or I would stay away from them so I don't have to hear their point of view. I have found that when I approach a situation with no point of view that is when I learn the most. I ask questions and I don't feel bad for doing so, it seems to be the things that gets me anywhere fast!

So who broke my daddy's heart? Was it me or him? Does it even matter who it was? Or is the most important thing that I finally understand that it is ok for my daddy to hold the beliefs he does, until he no longer does and I just understand and love him anyway. This frees me up to move on with my life and build the life that is right for me.  Hmmm,, life is interesting to say the least, thats for sure!



No Shame Here

This morning I woke up thinking about my post yesterday and the feeling of shame threatens to take over, but I am not going to be ashamed. And I ask myself why am I ashamed? Why do we feel shame when we feel and express certain things? I believe we are trained to feel shame, because feeling ashamed of how we feel is not natural, the only way that can happen is if we are trained to feel shame for how we feel. How do I know this? I watch my children. Children are not afraid to express what they naturally feel until they get conditioned on what is and is not acceptable by their parents or another person in their life. I was shamed about things most of my childhood like most of us were from a young age.

Example; Lets say a child is crying because they feel physically or emotionally hurt and the adult in their life say something like stop crying you are to old to cry, or stop crying people can hear you. The child is doing what feels natural to him but the parent or adult is saying they shouldn't do what feels natural him, because it is not acceptable or shameful. So the child will begin to believe what he feels is wrong or shameful and begin to suppress there own feelings and feel ashamed for feeling this way. Maybe even begin to hide when they can no longer suppress their emotions, and even while they are hiding and no one sees them, even then they will feel ashamed of themselves because they have adopted the belief that showing emotion is shameful. When shaming is done repeatedly what will most likely happen is the child will eventually no longer trust what they are feeling causing them to feel like they are out of control, out of touch and just plain worthless, because they can't help it, but to feel. As long as we are human we are going to feel things. Feeling is part of the beauty of living this experience. It is just when we get conditioned by certain beliefs that or feelings get distorted. But fear not, because distorted feeling can be undistorted!

So this is why I share my story, partly because I believe it will help me to heal by giving voice to my inner child who has been wounded and suppressed for most of my life. And another huge reason is to hopefully help others to find the courage to also open up and heal. It seems that when one is no longer ashamed to speak openly about the 'so called' shameful things it gives others the courage to also open up and speak. I have found that putting into words the way I am feeling helps me to heal. 

My mantra for the day: I am not ashamed, no I am not. I own who I am.  I know what is right for me. It is ok to express what I am feeling, it is good to express what I am feeling, it is the right thing to do, to express what I am feeling. It is good to feel!  I am beautiful, I am strong, everything is always working out for me, I am loved, I am worthy. 



Can I be real with you?

The truth is, today I don't feel like I have it all together. I have so many questions, so many things that I wonder about. One question I have today, tomorrow may be different but, today this is my question- 'where are my people'? I feel so alone, I feel like no one gets me, it feels to me like the world is spinning out of control and it threatens to suck me in too. I feel like I don't belong in this time and place, I feel like I've lost everything dear to me, yet right in front of me I have my partner who loves me and my two precious children, I have more then most people will ever have, yet I feel like I am missing something. What is going on? I am being real with you, I don't know how else to be anymore, anything else makes me want to puke! Putting on a face leads to making me feel like screaming my head off and pretending like I have it all together is like poison to my soul! I feel like I want community, but I'm scared as hell to trust anyone! I've been burned so many times I don't know what anything else feels like. So it's become much easier to run away and be alone then to face the fear of being thrown away like a piece of garbage when I don't perform how they want me to perform. I don't do performing, I do my own thing, I create! But then why can't I be fulfilled and happy just creating, without the need for close contact with others? I miss community! I miss what could be! I miss not having people who care about me even if I don't believe like they do. I am angry at how easy it is for people to ostracize someone as soon as they don't believe the same way. Why are we so afraid of someone who has different beliefs then we do? I lost most of my family due to not believing like they do, I have lost most of my gvcxdear Christian friends who I got close to after I left the Amish and converted to Evangelical Christianity. I didn't have many but the ones I had, I loved and felt like I could somewhat count on them to be there for me. They are not, they are gone, it's like I don't exist to them anymore! Is this just me? Is this how it's going to be my whole life? Is it so wrong to move on from one belief to another when you feel like you've discovered a better way for your life, is it really necessary to let go of the people who you thought were going to be there for you no matter what? At this point in life I am having to decide whether I want to even pursue friendships with others anymore. It hurts so much to lose something I thought was going to be there forever. Some days I feel like I'm complete just the way I am and other days I miss that community feel, the feeling of security and a sense of being protected when you have others who are also looking out for you. Maybe I just have to sleep it off, maybe I need help to figure this beast of a thing out, maybe I am not as strong as I should be or thought I was. I refuse to lie to myself! I don't believe any of us, as long as we live and breathe on this Earth ever have it all together, we may think we do or even feel like we do but as long as we are human and living this experience called life we are going to have some shit to deal with. So, if right about now you are thinking, WOW! She needs some help, check yourself and look in the mirror. You have your days too! I am not afraid to admit I have days like this. Enough with the cookie cutter life, I want to be real, honest and raw. 


Where are my people? Are you out there?


Welcome to this blog, my name is Clara.

The purpose for me this blog is because I have a great desire to inspire in any way I can, those who like me, have left or are leaving religion that has bound us and kept us in the dark for to long. I know how difficult it can be when one is in the process of leaving, because I walk in those shoes. My hope is to help bring understanding to the feelings one feels when in the process of leaving. The future for some can look bright and adventurous but to other very uncertain and scary. I want to be there with you and watch the amazingness of it all as you walk through that door to your freedom.