Had you asked me a year ago I would've told you never again, EVER would I step foot into another one of those buildings! I was so done with the hypocrisy, the fake ass crap, the better then thou, the mind control, the fear mongering, the false humility that runs rampant in so many of these places. I couldn't take it anymore, I was so done that the mere mention of God nearly made me feel sick. My thought was if I had to serve the God they claim to serve, I'd rather die and go to hell then live with that God for eternity, because living with that God seems like nothing short of hell. This may sound horrific to you but, thats the way it felt to me.
I was confused and angry. I went from Amish to Mennonite to Evangelical Christianity to Hebrew Roots all in a 10 year time. Every one of them thought they had it right and the others had it wrong. Every time I converted to a new belief I thought now I finally have the right thing only to end up being disheartened by the way things did not line up. I knew something wasn't right they all claimed to serve God and love Jesus but, something wasn't adding up. It was not until we were involved with the Hebrew Roots movement that our eyes began to open. We began to see the huge lack of love within these groups. Within the group were groups who thought the other groups had it wrong just like within Christianity. There are so many groups within Christianity, always in disagreement about the book they read, thinking others don't understand it right because they don't see it the way they do. Everyone is trying to figure out what is right according to the book, worshiping the book like it is their God. I got so angry, I got angry because my head was spinning with all the ideas and beliefs that everyone was trying to tell me are right and true. I was angry because it didn't make sense to me, and I thought there was something wrong with me for not understanding it. I was angry because I was about to lose more people who I had spend time getting to know and love. Why was I losing them? I was loosing them because just like in the past I was about to move on, I was about to move on from the religious dogma and I knew what was going to happen. I was so tired of losing the people whom I thought I had gotten close with. They turned away from me. They call me all kinds of things because in their eyes I am now an evil person who has been deceived by satan. I did it anyway because I knew I had to. Deep within my heart I knew there was something more.
I didn't have much left to lose so why not go all the way. Why not? I needed to know whats on the other side. I walked straight into my greatest fear of all. I began to question the very thing I was told to never dare question. I questioned God. I was questioning the very God that, based on what I was told, has the ability to destroy me with fire and take my very Soul. I felt my heart skip a beat and I felt sick for a while because my mind was having a heart attack. LOL! When I walked towards the thing I feared the most, interestingly my heart began to feel again, my heart began waking up. It had been dead for so long. It had been dead to feeling anything because long ago I had decided feeling was to painful so my mind took over and I had begun to operate out of my mind instead of my heart. I had begun to play it safe. I had begun to people please and do everything through the power of Jesus to be a good girl. I was depressed for a few days because my identity of who I thought I was, is falling away now and I feel extremely vulnerable, a bit scared and even wondered if the God I am questioning is going to drop me dead because of what I am doing. Then the fear begins to give way to light, I begin to feel love again. I begin to look at myself with less judgement, I begin to be less harsh with myself, I begin to actually like myself a little. I put the book (bible) away, I begin to go into nature, I begin to get curious about life. I begin to see things that I had never seen before. The limitations were gone. It didn't matter to me what people think anymore, I knew most of those people aren't even aware of why they believe the way they do. Sadly they are still stuck in the fear, but, now I am free. It's one of the most liberating decisions I've ever made. I began to understand what had happened to me a couple years earlier when I was seeing things and then it got very cloudy because of things that happened in my life and I let go of love and chose fear instead. I began to understand why I went through the darkness. The anger I was feeling began to turn to grief and then compassion and love. I began to understand that everyone is simply doing the best they know how.
The thing that holds us back is fear. Fear is mentioned so many time in that book we read and we are told by Jesus not to fear but, yet we do. We are told and shown by Jesus how to love but, yet that is the number one thing the churches miss out on. We are so busy trying to figure out how God wants us to serve him, because we don't want to make him angry and end up in hell, that we completely miss out on love. We don't realize we are already in hell when we believe this way. Hell is not a place we go to, it is something we are in when we live in fear of going there. This place (Earth) can be heaven or hell, our fear and our lack of compassion is making this place feel like hell.
My journey since then has been an interesting one. I don't claim to know anything or everything, I just know what I know because of my experience. I am curious about life and I am tuning into my heart. My heart is my guide and my mind is my servant, it took me about a year to figure out how to know with 100% certainty what my heart is telling me. My mind has become my servant and I so love my mind, but, my heart rules now. It's an amazing way to live and I am just beginning.
So why did I go to church again? Because I am curious. This church is different from any other I've ever been to. This church advocates for love, this church advocates for oneness, for equality and for peace. It was very interesting to sit in a congregation where they spoke about the law of attraction and how to listen to your heart and how to connect with your Soul and how Christ consciousness is in everyone. Hmm, this sound like the same things I've been learning in the past year. So I'll keep going and see where this takes me. I'll keep following my heart and trusting that all I need will be given to me at just the right time.